No, NOT H1N1...
...My Beloved is away on Business in the Maritimes . Mid day yesterday the phone rang...
"Hi! I'm going to a yarn store."
"You're what? Where?"
"Near my hotel - I have a few minutes to spare, 'thought I'd see if there was some local yarn I could get so you could make me a sweater. What kind should I look for and how much will I need?" (See why I call him "Beloved"?!)
"About 1600 yards of Worsted Weight, 2000 yards of sport or DK weight."
"Okay, I'll let you know what I find."
I hung up, walked 20 paces and the phone rang again...
"I'm in the yarn store."
"Did you transport yourself there a la Star Trek?"
"It was closer to the hotel than I realized. Now behave yourself " he warns, "I'm using hands free while this Nice Lady helps me shop!" He's too jovial, I can only assume he's trying to win her over.
Its not working. Through the phone and across a time zone the irritation coursing through the "Nice Lady's" body is palpable as my out of towner with a Blackberry connection to his wife "shops" for yarn in what, before his arrival was probably her nice quiet and peaceful LYS...
His tone of voice is broad and generous and I can tell he's smiling.
"I'm looking at pink with purple stripes, orange, brown and green stripes..."
"They're heathered stripes" the "Nice" (and clearly irritated) "Lady" snarls in the background.
"Oh, yeah, they are heathered" he says.
He has noooo idea what "heathered" means.
"There's also yellow, gold and white heathered stripes..."
At this I'm sure he's smiling his most charming smile, looking right into "Nice Lady's" eyes which have now probably narrowed to slits. "Which one do you think would be best?" he asks.
Because I'm "behaving" I don't screech
"Pink and purple stripes? Heathered or not - are you nuts?"
And because, unlike him in his yarny innocence, I know he's blundered into that most dreaded species of "Nice Ladies" the Crabby LYS owner! Not wanting to further enrage the beast only I recognize is before him, I calmly and evenly say..."Well its up to you but frankly I'm surprised you're considering a striped sweater."
"Oh no" he says, "I'm looking at sock yarn!"
(I can only imagine what Nice Lady's face - and pulse - is doing at this point...)
Oh, oh, oh okay, get the purple! I blurt. (Instantly I regret this decision but fear "Nice Lady" might put an Addi Turbo through My Beloved's throat if I change my mind so I keep quiet.)
"Now what about a sweater for me?" He booms.
"We don't have any yarn for men." "Nice Lady" spits.
"What about this cashmere?" He booms (louder).
Its $22.00 a skein. she snarls
"So? I'm worth it!" He laughs. I imagine she's put herself between my man and her cashmere display.
"The sweater is going to cost $800.00" I chirp, hoping to put the idea quickly to rest in his mind.
"What???Are you serious?"
"No but it will be well over $200.00."
(Step away from her cashmere I silently pray.)
"Oh, okay forget that" he says. "What about this?"
I assume he's waving some huge floppy skein of something or other around at arms length.
"You can't make a sweater with that." Nice Lady hisses.
"Just get the sock yarn!" I plead - I want him out of there, out of harm's way!
"Okay" he says. "I'll talk to you later!" and hangs up, oblivious to the real and present threat he's facing.
I hung up, leaving him to pay for the pink and purple heathered beauty, hoping he would be alright. He's a big and if I don't say so myself, a very charming man - especially with women - but as we all know, you just don't mess with crabby yarn shop keepers!
I didn't hear from him again, I hope he made it back out onto the street okay. Even if I tell him, he'll probably never know the kind of danger he was in.
I can't wait to see what he comes home with but however it looks, I'll just be glad he's home safe and sound!